Uncomfortably Tall Adventures
Finn's Fun Facts, Fascinating Finds, and Fervent Finagling
“Eladrin have long held the belief that the entirety of the world encompassed by this plane of existence is, as one whole unit, round. All observation-based science conducted by scholars of any good repute have held with such. Today however, I asked my noble compatriot, Vanguard, what he had to say on the subject. He responded quite adamantly that, not only does everyone know that the world is flat, but furthermore, when’s lunch? I shall file his curious response away for further examination at a later date.”
“I think Leif has gotten even dumber since the last time I met him. I mean, did he always sleep next to his hammer? Maybe I’ve forgotten a lot since then, but my, it’s like he could entertain himself for hours by just throwing a ball against a wall.”
– Ferris Rusty
“Today, Vanguard gave me a hock of the blooms of the most intriguing flower for examination. Drawing upon my alchemical knowledge, and his immense experience with terrestrial flora, we have determined that the blossom in question is the Jade Moonbeam, whose leaves are known to make an extremely beneficial tea, which grants extraordinary alertness, strength, and energy to its drinkers. Either that or its the rare blossom of the Wanderer’s Sandalroot, whose petals, when boiled in hot water, make one of the deadliest poisons known to man. This may bear further examination.”
“From Heslant the Monks, ‘An Unseemly Codex of Inconceivable Events, Including the Concise Arcana of Secrets Moste Fey’ Page 4991, paragraph 2: ‘…and as General Correlius didst he deftly undo the crumbling clasp from the brazen reliquary, he found himself bestruck nigh instantaneous by a moste potente maladie of the flesh, whither the tips of his members seemed to they themselves bedew with a fetid complexione of moulde and canker, akin to the putrescence of cadaverous tissue, the very calamitie from which the great general he himself hadst thought himself quite immune, for as his court sorcerer had tolde him earlier in that very week at the onset of his inquisition, “No, Sire, I assure you with the every one of the moste utmoste certainties: Curses do not stack.” But alas, dear readers of history, by the gods above and below, how so very mistaken he was…’ Note to self: lend Rusty this book."
“I’ve asked Frank to help me draft a strongly-hammered complaint against the place we stayed at last night—the house of lantern whatever. But the shiny little fella suggested that I write a strongly-worded complaint instead, and copy it into this stupid journal “for posterietey,” whatever that means. Well here goes. I didn’t sleep good. Why, you ask? One word: Bed Bugs. I felt somethin moving around under me in the middle of the night so I jumped up and flipped my bed over. And what did I see?? A giant bed bug. That thing musta been almost 6 feet long, with these weird lumps all over it and four giant legs. So I hit it with my hammer and went back to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, I could see it better in the light than I could in the dark and I saw that it had somehow shape-shifted into a tall skinny dude dressed as a thief, who had my coin-manpurse in his hand, and a giant, hammer-shaped mark in his brain. So yeah, that’s my formal complaint: Giant, shape-shifting bed bugs. Oh and, hi mom."
In response to Lief’s complaint: “Bedbugs, when roasted over an open flame, are an excellent source of protein and quite good when served with wild strawberries. I would count myself lucky to have enjoyed such a meal compliments of the inn. Also, I think that was a dude that you killed.”
- Vanguard Forthwind, dictated but not read.
“Today, Vanguard and I decided to start sparring at long swords, so that I may keep up my martial skills. And what with the bruises and welts I am currently recovering from after just one session, I must say that the smelly human’s form has increased immensely since our adventures in Thunderspire. I’m not quite sure what Jack Bornfist said to him to spur the change in his physique, but it is certain that ever since we installed that “weight room” in Bailey Manour, his technique has not suffered."
“Rusty has finally parted from our company. Tension had been building between the halfling and the rest of us for some time due to his ongoing transformation, and it finally came to a head aboard the Dagger of Ursh when Ferris revealed his true identity. Though I am dismayed at what Rusty has become, I cannot help but think that we have abandoned a dear friend in his hour of greatest need. And that we have made a most formidable enemy.”
- Vanguard Forthwind, as transcribed by FB.
“I question what we should do next when we encounter the demonic beast. I do not know whether we should kill him or not as I do not want that portion of my soul lost forever. I am certainly not an expert on the matter but it looks like our best course of action is to trap him here somehow. Maybe the wizard boy can do something… I am willing to do whatever it takes; I just want to go home.”
- Rusty of Wheale Borough
“Lief Blaze presented me today with a most curious oddity: a strange reddish-brown smear upon the head of his battlehammer, as to whose origin, I must admit, I am thoroughly perplexed. When I inquired to my large friend Mr. Blaze about the source of the smear, he enigmatically replied, ‘Hammer goo.’ and proceeded to urinate upon himself. Further examination required.”
“According to most reputable scientific sources, the cycle of the sun, moon, and stars can be attributed to steady, yet chaotic cosmic shifts, the cause of which are hotly debated. This simple and widely accepted truth, however, did not avail me in a recent dispute I had with a Mr. V. Forthwind, who insisted that the moon moves across the sky because it is being slowly and eternally digested through a gigantic and entirely translucent worm that encircles the world and whose excrement constitutes the rest of the glittering caelestial bodies. While I can’t say that my academic dissertation to Mr. Forthwind was entirely fruitful, upon reflection his position may explain why he insists upon smearing his own feces on the ceiling of any chamber in which he sleeps. I shall some quiet inquiries to Rusty about this.”